Rules of St. Been-a-dick

Rule 9 of chapter 4 notes that we are "not to do to another what one would not have done to oneself." After that, at least like 80% of the other rules could be collapsed into a subsection of that rule. Do we really need to be told not to murder after that one? I'm not likely to murder myself, and so I'm not likely to murder you if I think that the consequence. I've also already been told to love my neighbor, who I am unlikely to murder if I've properly followed that step.

Don't forget to be afraid of God's wrath, and remember that Hell is right there for you if you're bad.

Also, don't forget to be a poor eater, love fasting, and think constantly and infinitely about the horrors of Hell that await you if you don't listen. God loves you, but you need to fear the day he returns to judge you, and know that you'll suffer in an eternal purgatory if you've done something to piss him off. When you love someone, you need to be constantly afraid of their disappointment and their subsequent wrath that will condemn you to an eternity of spiritual and physical torture that will follow you beyond the grave and never let you know peace, wishing to have never been born. At least, that's how I've always understood love, and so these rules make total sense to me.

You haven't forgotten that you're probably going to Hell, have you? Don't forget that, please.

Also, please realize that you need to hate your own will. What you think and want don't matter unless you're thinking about and wanting God's love. Try not to talk too much or to like talking at all, because most of what you say is useless bullshit and you're wasting oxygen that could be better purposed to praise God who loves you enough to have made these rules for you. And when you talk, try not to say anything funny. Funny stuff makes people laugh and laughing is a disrespectful waste of time. If you laugh, God will come to your house and tear your wife in half, because he loves you.

Hey, for a second there it looked like you forgot to be afraid of Hell. Don't do that. Cry for me.

Just do whatever people from a church tell you to do. Don't question them, because that's disrespectful, and like I said, it doesn't matter what you want. If they're older than you, they're smarter than you.

Fear Him. Do not forget to fear him. FEAR HIM BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU.

There are plenty of decent ideas in this text, because obviously it makes sense to be generous to the poor and the sick and not to murder people, but I feel like nothing from a religious text has ever told me anything I haven't figured out of my own human decency and tendencies toward civility. I'm aware that killing and hurting and stealing are wrong, because I have empathy. It makes me sad and scared that there are people out there who only want to be good because they're afraid they won't get to live forever if they're not. Be good because it, like, totally sucks to be bad, man. I don't think it's fair to say th

The author of this blog post has been prematurely condemned to Hell because he forgot to fear being condemned to Hell.